Research Finds The Hetfields’ and The Mustaines’ Have Been A-Fuedin’ For Over a Century Long
FARLEY MOUNTAINS, KY—What some thought was merely a spat that started out in the early Eighties between two thrashers, has recently been discovered to be a century old feud between two families that still can not seem to get along. Deep in the hills of Kentucky, ancestors of Metallica singer, James Hetfield, and Megadeth frontman, Dave Mustaine, apparently have been squabbling over an argument that began in the late 1800’s, years before either frontman were a gleam in their parents’ eye.
“From my research, I have traced the Hetfields and the Mustaines to a moutainous region of Kentucky, where their feuding has become legendary amongst the locals,” said rock historian, Gary Dribbleman. “According to Kentuckians that still inhabit the region, James Hetfield’s great, great uncle, Fineus Hetfield, had once been courting Dave Mustaine’s great, great grandmother, Abigail Mustaine, much to the dismay of both sets of parents. When Abigails’ father, Honus, refused to allow her to marry Fineus, Fineus, in a lover’s rage, shot Honus in the back, beginning what would become a century long history of shootings, stabbings, fistfights and cases of arson.”
Fineus and Abigail were forced to part ways once the fighting started and neither one ever married, both dying of a broken heart.
“It was a Romeo and Juliet story of sorts,” said Dribbleman. “They were star-crossed lovers that ultimately lived the rest of their lives in seclusion, spending every waking moment thinking and craving for the other’s affection. Fineus drowned in a boating accident that some assumed wasn’t an accident at all. And Abigail took to the bottle pretty hard. She died of consumption just before her fortieth birthday.”
It was until James Hetfield and Dave Mustaine played in Metallica together in Northern California that the feud was thought to be over. At first, everything seemed to be going smoothly between the two rockers. Jugs of moonshine were often shared between band members and square dances were held in their practice space every Friday night after rehearsals. Kentucky relatives from both clans would be in attendance, though members of each tribe would claim a wall and never once mingle with their rivals. Eventually bad blood rose to the service and arguments would break out between James Hetfield and Dave Mustaine, eventually leading to Mustaine’s dismissal of his duties.
“It was strictly because I’m a Mustaine,” said the founder of the band, Megadeth. “I could sense his resentment from the beginning but I thought maybe music would be the common bond that would end the senseless fighting that has plagued our families for years. I’m sorry my great, great, great grandfather wouldn’t allow his great, great uncle to marry my great, great grandmother. But that wasn’t my fault. I tried to make up for it but James would never let it go.”
Hetfield’s account of the story is somewhat different. He insists that Mustaine used to whisper under his breath that he was a “no good cotton, pickin’, squirrel-eatin’, pesky poacher, who couldn’t shoot straight if his life depended on it.” This enticed Hetfield to challenge Mustaine to a shooting contest in which the loser would have to leave the band for good. Hetfield apparently won the contest, shooting three squirrels, four possums and a hound dog. Mustaine apparently only hit one target after letting off ten shots. That target happened to be drummer, Lars Ulrich. Hence, his dismissal.
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