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Etta James Signs with Miami Heat for Record-breaking Figures

MIAMI—After a long and drawn out decision process, in which many NBA teams were considered, including the New York Knicks and the Cleveland Cavaliers, superstar singer and NBA great, Etta James, ultimately announced she will be playing with the Miami Heat for an undisclosed figure that is sure to be beyond most of our wildest fantasies.

Ms. James, who will turned seventy-two this year, said she was excited by the team General Manager, Pat Riley, had put together and she feels that this is her best chance at winning an NBA title, something she has missed out on throughout her entire career.

“It’s as simple as that,” she said happily during her one-hour special on ESPN last night. “I want to be on a winner. I want that trophy. Larry Bird had it. Michael had it. Now I want it. It’s my turn to shine.”

When asked if her age will factor in how well the Heat perform this year, she huffed for a moment and then replied, “What kind of bulls**t question is that? Would I be here doing this special and making this kind of announcement if my age was a factor? Next question!”

Fans in New York and in Cleveland expressed disappointment over James’ decision to head to Miami, though some actually expressed relief as well.

“If she came to New York, it would’ve been ‘Etta this’ and ‘Etta that,’ and in the end, no championship, like when Patrick Ewing was playing here,” said sportswriter, Burt Dripmead. “What the Knicks need is completely new management, ownership and rooster. One player is not going to make much of a difference, even someone as popular as Etta James. I do like that ‘At Last’ though. She does have one sweet voice. Man, can that woman sing! Whoooooa!”

Ms. James plans to meet with Riley and the rest of Miami management to dot the “i”s and cross the “t”s on their agreement sometime next week.

Before entering her hotel room last night, Ms. James turned to a crowd of reporters, along with some fans, and put up the victory sign, inducing a round of applause for Miami’s new favorite daughter. She then screamed, “Let’s do it for Johnny! Let’s do it for Johnny!” causing most of the crowd to ask, “Who the hell is Johnny?”

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