“I’ll Stop the Rain!” Claims Local Grocer, Answering CCR’s Forty-Year-Old Question
TRENTON, N.J.—Yesterday, in front of a group of unsuspecting customers, as a muzak version of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s classic “Who’ll Stop the Rain” was playing over the P.A., local Trenton grocer, Danny Jubczeck, shouted with the utmost conviction in the middle of his store that he, himself, will “stop the rain,” answering the question singer, John Fogerty, had posed forty years ago this year.
“It’s funny,” said Sandy Balducci, ten-year customer of Jubby’s Groceries. “I was actually singing the words to the song in my head when all of a sudden Mr. Jubczeck comes running out from behind the meat counter, screaming the answer to the very question I was singing to myself. It was the oddest thing, as if God had chosen him for the task.”
When asked whether he felt the hand of God touch him, prompting him to take on the lifelong mission of stopping the rain, Jubczeck replied, “No, not really. It was more like Billy Dexter, our meat counter guy. He was cutting up some pastrami when his finger got caught in the slicer. There wasn’t much damage, just a little blood. But I looked at the blood and realized that all of it has to stop: the violence, the bloodshed, the rainstorms that last for days, forcing me to wear rubber boots to work when I really want to wear a new pair of Italian shoes I just bought over the internet. It’s all just so horrible.”
Rain had, in fact, been falling in Trenton for the last couple of days, though not at a particularly alarming rate, as one would suspect considering Jubczeck’s actions. Local meteorologists have called the storm “less than average.” In fact, they have claimed that it has actually helped cool things off. Trenton, like most of the northeast, had recently been hit by a heatwave that was considered by some “murderous.” The rain, it seems, has brought in a nice cool breeze that the city desperately needed.
John Fogerty, author of the song that is the cause of this controversy, told this reporter he is glad that Jubczeck is up to the task. And even though it has been forty years since he first wrote the song, he was planning on waiting one more year, until his birthday in 2011, to finally attempt to stop the rain himself if no one had yet “manned up,” as he put it.
“This Jubczeck fella is saving me a lot of grief and aggravation,” said Fogerty. “Now I can spend the rest of my days trying to get my voice back so I can make a living again. The only thing is, if he does in fact, “stop the rain,” there will be no need to perform that song live anymore. That’s one less hit on my setlist. These days, I’m not sure if I can afford to just start scratching songs. I have my retirement to think of. On second thought, I better speak with this Jubczeck fellow.”
Fogerty then raced off in his classic 1957 Chevy, heading to Trenton, New Jersey, where he no doubt will cause a storm of his own.
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