The Ghost of Ringo Starr Appears Prematurely, Living Counterpart Frustrated
LONDON–Rumors of the ghost of Ringo Starr appearing numerous times in public have finally been confirmed by London’s Scotland Yard this week. According to the official report, Starr’s ghost was first spotted at the Championships at Wimbledon last year, sitting in the Royal Box with the Queen, who did not notice that she was conversing with a sentient manifestation of Starr’s spirit. Apparently, she assumed she was sitting with the “still living and breathing” drummer.
“He was rather charming,” commented the Queen. “He got a little cheeky at times, but one suspects that with those Beatles people.”
Starr, the living, is not at all pleased with these newly confirmed recent events. He has expressed feelings of shame, embarrassment and confusion most of all.
“I find the whole thing kind of unsettling, to be honest with you. I feel like he knows something I don’t, like when I’m going to croak and all. And truthfully, I feel just fine. Really. I still do all my daily stretches in the morning, eat only healthy foods and go for a nice afternoon stroll through town every day to keep the joints from cramping up. This Ringo Starr plans on walking the earth for a lot longer than that other Ringo Starr expects, a lot longer.”
Regardless, the disembodied spirit has also been seen shopping for scarves at Bloomingdales in New York City and for leather boots in Tuscany.
“He’s been running up my credit. That much is for certain,” complained the living Starr.
“On top of all this, I have to cancel my all credit cards. Do you know what kind of a pain in the ass that is? They make you wait to speak with a customer representative for like twenty minutes. Who has that kind of time to waste?”
And if that hasn’t already made life a living hell for the living Starr, the apparition had recently become quite unruly at the opening of La Traviata at the Sydney Opera House in February and had to be escorted out of the theatre.
“We’re not sure if he was drunk or not,” explained usher Peter Hay. “But the moment the soprano entered the stage, the ghost started yelling ‘Nice cans! Let’s see a little!’ and that is just unacceptable, dead or alive.”
Apparently, Sir Paul McCartney is also not very comfortable with these recent developments, particularly since it brings about the question of his mortality as well.
“First of all, this takes a lot of press away from me,” he said smugly. “Secondly,
I don’t want people to start hoping for some afterlife reunion or some such nonsense for The Beatles. At least not until John finally gives me proper credit for my contribution of the word ‘should’ to ‘Norwegian Wood.’ That was crucial, you know? But we all know how stubborn he could be.”
When confronted about his recent appearances, Starr’s ghost expressed impatience, in regards to his living counterpart’s ability to still thrive after so many years.
“This chap should have nipped it years ago,” le told this reporter. “I have better things to do than wait for the bloke to expire. He’s dead set against dying, he is. Boy, was I given a bum wrap. Well, I’m off to Morocco for the weekend if anyone needs me. Cherrio and all that!”
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LONDON–Rumors of the ghost of Ringo Starr appearing numerous times in public have finally been confirmed by London’s Scotland Yard this week…..
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