Megadeth Wins Mega Millions, Quits Metal for Top Hat, Coattails and Monocle
LOS ANGELES—After a long life devoted to metal music, lead singer of the band, Megadeth, Dave Mustaine, surprisingly found himself holding a winning Mega Millions Lottery ticket earlier this week, making him a millionaire twenty times over. According to lottery commissioner, Glenn Huckleback, of Atlanta, Georgia, Mustaine’s ticket is roughly worth twenty-three million, two hundred and thirty thousand dollars. That’s no small chunk of change for someone who has been playing music his whole life in order to survive.
“I’ve been playing the lottery since I was 19,” said Mustaine, now dressed in a top hat, coattails and monocle. “I always figured, in case this metal thing doesn’t make me a super millionaire, maybe luck will can make those millions for me. It took a lot longer than I expected, but whatever. Now I’ve got the money to live the life I really want to live, one of cocktail parties, art exhibitions and madcap Manhattan weekends.”
Mustaine, who turned 48 back in September, went to say he has quit the heavy metal business that has supported him ever since he first became a member of Metallica back in 1981.
“I’m done with metal,” he insisted. “All that touring has made me dizzy over the years. Now when I travel, it’s going to be in style. I’ll go to places like Paris and Rome, carrying a little French poodle as my companion and a butler to cater to my every whim. It’s going to be fantastic!”
Fans of Megadeth have already expressed sadness, as well as outrage, over Mustaine’s new lifestyle. Emails and angry postings have been flooding the many metal music blogs on the internet.
“I can’t believe he’d leave us like this,” wrote 43-year old, Jerry Klumfield, of Richmond, Virginia. “I was planning on going to see them with Slayer on this next tour. Mustaine was one of my all-time musical idols. First Metallica sells out, then Megadeth. Slayer is the only great band left. What’s next? Is Kerry King going to start wearing an Admiral’s uniform and quit metal to sail a yacht around the world?”
Mustaine’s doesn’t seem bothered by the criticism. He says the comfort of his new apartment on Park Avenue and his new mansion in Beverly Hills, plus the recently purchased five Rolls Royces negates any ill feelings his fans may have towards him, as well as any ill feelings he had towards Metallica, his former bandmates that obtained enormous financial success almost twenty years earlier than he.
“Metallica thought they could leave me in the dust,” he said as he changed into a smoking jacket and pipe. “Now I’m living the same kind of life, so there’s no longer any hard feelings. In fact, if they want, they’re welcome to join me at any one of my new homes for cocktails and h’ordeuvres. It’ll be a fanciful affair, one that will be remembered for decades to come!”
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